For the uncoupled, Valentine’s Day is either a blatant reminder of just how lonely you are or how much you hate your ex. Instead of devoting Feb. 14 to scream-crying into a bucket of melted ice cream or spending hours “researching” every new girl/guy on their Instagram following list, you could eschew the embittered “woe is me” mindset, and participate in the saccharine holiday as there are plenty of things to do on Valentine’s Day if you can’t stand your ex…
Name a cockroach after them
If your ex reminds you of a disgusting cockroach, now you can literally name the blattodea after them and have it fed to a wild animal. The San Antonio Zoo runs an annual global fundraising initiative every Valentine’s Day, called “Cry Me A Cockroach,” where netizens can name the creepy crawly after their not-so-special someone for a small price of $10 and have it fed to a wild animal after donating to support the zoo. A digital downloadable Valentine’s Day card informing your ex that they were named after a cockroach and fed to an animal at San Antonio Zoo is optional.
Swap their photo for a burger
If you live in Dubai and have a bunch of old relationship snaps you want to get rid of, consider visiting one of the Slaw branches, where you can swap a photo of your ex for a free burger on Valentine’s Day.
Smash or pass…
If you ever wanted to live out your own Jennifer Garner in Valentine’s Day fantasy by releasing all of your pent-up rage on a pinata, now is your chance. Also in Dubai, The Smash Room is offering heart-shaped pinatas as an add-on to any package, exclusive for online bookings, from Feb. 10 to Feb. 14 for those seeking out a bit of Valentine’s Day catharsis this year.
Donate their old clothes
Rather than burning the old clothes your ex left behind in your apartment, you should be the bigger person and donate them instead. There are plenty of people who could use some warm clothes, including the victims of the Turkey and Syria earthquakes, who were left homeless in the middle of a blistering winter. There are a number of donation drives across the region collecting clothing essentials to support the survivors that urgently need the help.
Binge anti-Valentine’s movies
While we recommend satisfyingly petty activities like naming a cockroach after your ex, sometimes it’s also nice to embrace the freedom of single life by lounging on the sofa in a pair of ratty, wine-stained pajamas and a box of pizza, binge-watching Netflix. There are plenty of anti-romance films and series to pick and choose from— may we suggest the newest season of You? Nothing makes me more grateful to be single than watching the sociopathic Joe Goldberg pursue his next unknowing love interest/victim.
Send them a box of poop anonymously
This is for the crypto bros— there’s an online startup that will send a box of horse manure to anyone anywhere in the world for you anonymously for the Bitcoin equivalent of $17. You can choose to send the special gift in a plain box or disguised as a luxurious expensive package, and include a personalized message telling the unlucky recipient how you really feel about them. What can we say, love stinks.